The Universe has played a strange card, one that makes me feel that I should make the public statement that I'll say nothing in its regard.

The End of the Holidays is Nigh...

And I couldn't be happier for it. The holiday season is rarely any brand of nice to me. I understand that there is stress for everyone, what with all the shopping and traveling and aiming to please, but I'm one of those that takes all the reminders of what the season is for- being with those you love, and spreading joy- and can only focus on those I want to be with that want someone else, and the fact that I haven't any real joy to spread around. I love my friends and family dearly, but I constantly compare my situation to theirs, with their significant others and happy comforts. I went to the company Christmas party and won movie tickets and gift certificates to a very nice restaurant. A perfect date night for someone who has been brutally reminded by past loves that he isn't what a girl wants. One more punch to the gut from the Universe. On the other hand, I bought several comic books recently, and I have many resources to paint and work on blacksmithing, so I can somewhat enjoy my single life. The road ahead is hard, and few see the value in taking it. I can't blame them though, I have no idea what's out there.

So I Had My Family Holiday Party...

...and I gave my dad his present, as he was the name drawn for me as a recipient of a gift. Said gift, and I'm drunk, turned out to be a painting of an ape favoring Mrs. Slides, from William Castle's "House on Haunted Hill", who scared my dad and my sister and myself since early childhood. My joy in this painting came from Dad saying he wouldn't hang it in his room because it may scare him, nor in his office because someone may steal it. I feel myself an effective artist. Beyond that, there was something very strong I wanted to express, but fuck it, I'm drunk. Women want money, men want poon tang, I want truth. Truth with pretty eyes. And poon tang. My rad sister in law got me oil paints and brushes. I'm absurdly grateful! Glad, regardless, to be done with the holidays, to be saved by a worthy New Year's kiss...

Ye Olde Joy of Activity

Have spent very little time on the internet lately, which is better than I'd originally imagined. My friendships are strengthening, and I've stepped into the world of blacksmithing, which is in my blood. I've been working a lot on a really big knife, of which I'm already very proud. I also feel like I'm in the best shape I've been in in years. I miss love and intimacy, but it currently resides in my mind as a fond memory.

An Observation

I have said many times that I believe love is the most destructive force in the world. My case- I constantly aim to be honest with myself and everyone on all counts, regardless of mood or motive. I try to be righteous, and all the virtuous adjectives, but when I share love with a woman, I become the most entirely unforgivable person in her life. Maybe it isn't love to blame. I think there's a purity about honesty that goes far unappreciated. I want to be painfully honest now, because I'm waking up to the fact that most friends in the world hold each other at arm's length. I feel now that the only people I should even consider keeping around in any capacity are the ones who do not fear the truth about me and vice versa.

Facebook Page, Dead at 2, or younger...

Too easy. Too accessible. Too thoughtless. Good riddance. I was happier without it, and so are my friends who left. I only have a handful of real friends anyway, which leaves some 950 people wondering what the problem is. Well, call me and find out.

Ruin

I hate the holidays. It's been getting worse every year. I have taken action against myself, apparently, to make this holiday season the worst ever. In tradition with being myself, I had fallen head over heels for another wrong girl. I thought we had plans to hang out a couple of days ago, and I was really looking forward to smoothing things over and finding some peace with being friends. She came to town, and hung out with everybody else, and when I talked to her, I overreacted to everything she said, and as a human, dug up every old hard feeling I had towards her and fired every round of emotional ammunition I had. She's done with me now, and I can't blame her one bit. For all my efforts to be kind and understanding, I have a terrible way of lashing out at someone when they hurt me, even when they do it in a very innocent way. I'm trying to cope with being horrible. The world is full of negativity and aggression this time of year. I try to avoid it, but its weight is entirely unavoidable. No matter how I balance the parts of my life to try to become a happy, balanced person, there's always a part of me that observes everyone else's joy and becomes jealous and bitter. Sure, I rarely go out and hunt some trophy to celebrate the day. I suppose I've gotten used to the trophies tarnishing. I fear gaining anything in the world because of the pain of losing what I've won. I'd like, at this point, to state that I don't want sympathy or advice. I just want to be heard. I want to vent. I can work out my problems if I write them down or speak them aloud. I hope that if anyone reading can identify, then maybe they can find comfort in someone else going through the same thing.

We Were Wolves Recent Videos!

Turning to alcohol to remedy your unhappiness is supposed to be a bad idea, but I've found that enough whisky to get a minor buzz rolling, combined with some conversation with a good listener, really does the trick. I've chosen this path twice recently, as I've been very upset about my choosing to sever ties with a girl who means a great deal to me. I hate that interacting with her on a reduced level has such an effect on me. I hate that severing the ties has been at least equally as painful. There's a lot I hate about my recent focus. A good friend, last night, helped me really realize that I validate myself based on my relationships. The problem is that relationships are based on the free wills of both people involved, so whether she actually cares for me at all or not, it should have nothing to do with my self-worth. I am now trying to rewire my brain so I can once again become happy and self-valuable because of my accomplishments. On another note, I've become even more aware of the power of open honesty. Straight and thorough rejection does a lot more for one's feelings and self-growth than acting as though the truth would destroy him. Rip the damn Band-Aid off. Getting mugged and assaulted was far more understandable and easier to get over than getting dumped, getting comforted, and trying to work out an unbalanced friendship. Anyway, it's been a few days since I did what I felt I had to do. I've been back and forth between feeling mostly satisfied and entirely destroyed. Today is good. I think my mind will stay well, so long as I can avoid dangerous reminders. I must admit, I'm constantly hoping she'll call, fighting for me to be in her life. I kinda know better. Besides, there's always whisky.

I am grossly underslept, which likely plays a part in my sour mood. I had a dream that woke me all the way up about 5 hours after I passed out, and discussed the dream with the person in it that made it disturbing, and I'm afraid I upset her. Since this morning, I've felt the strong effects of deep depression weighing down like the Earth was standing on me for once. I am well aware of many of the things that haunt me and make me feel this way, and the best way to get through it that I can find is pretty much to grin and bear it. Sadly, even when I get good at this practice, the feelings have a way of resurfacing as strong as ever. I can't escape my subconscious thoughts, my dreams, the strange little things that trigger a thought that snowballs into a crushing avalanche of despair. I can put my demons on the back burner, but unwatched, the pots on the back burner tend to boil over. People love to tell me I do this to myself. Thing is, the people I'm upset about aren't exactly at fault, they're just people doing what people do. Since I'm emotionally incapable of doing what everyone else does, I can't flush out my problems with new experiences anywhere near as easily as everyone else does. People tell me how great I am for not reacting so much outwardly as others do, then chastise me for reacting inwardly. I don't think I do it to myself, I just try to be careful with everyone else at my own expense. My world is not beautiful. The beautiful things in my world are maddeningly unattainable to me, not so much to those who hold nothing sacred, the people with hearts that don't bleed.

To Hell with this Hell!

I have no desire to remain in this heat any longer. I have a strong desire to be where it is never this hot, but is often far colder than it gets around here. I have no faith in the future of America, so I am once again starting to strongly think about how life would be in the Arctic Circle. Sweden, Finland, Norway... There may be places in America that I could enjoy living, but I don't think I'll ever truly find comfort amongst its people. I just want to know what else is out there, preferably somewhere that the people don't have such an absurd sense of entitlement. I want to live where nice things are appreciated, not expected.

I hate talking politics, but I can't see America becoming enjoyable or fair any time soon. The bipartisan game of strategy is fucking everyone by being too nitpicky to allow any progress, so the "world economy" is failing. No one in charge cares at all for the good of mankind, and that is obvious. They only use the concept of good to deceive the masses into offering them power. But they are already the gluttons swollen with power. No one will compromise for the well being of the people, and I'm afraid that the nation will not heal without revolution, so I'd like to just leave.

"America. Love it, or leave it." That's what they say. I hope leaving it is easier than I expect.

Diesel & Dixie

Super awesome Austin band we had the pleasure of sharing a bill with in San Angelo. Rock them! Diesel & Dixie

Real Talk

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Woke Up Sober

The truth of the recent matter still has me feeling pretty reduced, but I got the truth. She cared enough to be honest. Her efforts to defend herself were, I suppose, to be expected, but they were frustrating. I reacted probably a lot more strongly than was necessary. But in the end, I feel like I deserved the entire truth, and she deserved to know what her actions will do to a person.

If anyone knows who I'm talking about, I'd like to make it known that I don't hate her, or think she's a horrible person. What she did hurt me deeply, and I hurt her right back. The score is hopefully settled, and I have my closure. I hope she finds something positive from our heated conversation and uses it to keep a genuine happiness.

Follow Up!

I got the truth I asked for and more! While we were seeing each other, she took a trip to NYC. While she was there, she visited the butthole that broke her heart before and "innocently enough" asked him "Sowhen are you gonna come back and marry me?". If it was so innocent, why is he now doing that? Why did she shit on me and go along with it? So I yelled at her and called her a dickhead and an asshole and a sonofabitch. Her response-"**** has never yelled at me or called me names!" Sure, she didn't offer her heart and the rest of her life to another dude while they were dating!

I feel like I was understandably furious. She told me I fight too dirty. Well, I just spoke the truth. Give me a weapon and ammo aplenty and tell me you betrayed me in about the worst way, I'm probably gonna use that weapon, and shoot from the hip. It's not my fault if every bullet finds a home in your heart.

Well, it seems I've dug a new pit of discontent.

I sorta had a girl who let me go, and within a couple weeks had "a close friend" come to visit. When a girl uses the word "close", it's generally safe to assume the worst. In this case, it was the dude who broke her heart and disappeared years ago. I find it really hard to believe it was coincidence that it happened right after she decided I wasn't worth waiting for. Strangely, having broken up with a great girl for an ex that had broken my heart, I understand and feel like I deserve this. If it is coincidence though, then shit isn't cool, I guess. She wanted me to "compromise" by quitting my band and leaving everything I know to go live in a town I'm not really wild about. She'd have let me live really cheap with her, but I hardly find that a compromise. I also feel like if I'd done all that, she'd have found a way to get rid of me when this butthole came back around anyway. There's a lot more that I won't go into. Long story short, I believe she went out of her way to convince me I didn't really like her that much anyway.

I was able to keep my chin up because the one girl I like that lives in town had been showing me some attention. I decided to be bold and test the water, and yeah, "she's just not that into me", as is said to make somebody feel better. She makes a damn good friend though. I'm sure she wasn't trying to lead me on, but a confident man is supposed to get out and get what he wants, right?

So yeah, readers, I'm unhappy again, so I'll be writing plenty of sarcastic, angry shit you'll laugh about. At least until I get my puppy. Then nothing will ever bother me again.

A Title Would Imply that I Know What I'm Going to Write

This is my last week to watch the kids. Leaving is a very important thing for me to do, but I'm going to miss them dreadfully. Ok, it's not like I'll never see them again, but I feel so selfish.

As it turns out, I have two shows to play with We Were Wolves this week, and being Tuesday already, my week is starting late. It's becoming a half-week the more I think about it.

I'm also realizing that I'm a little too confused to write anything particularly interesting, so this is here for posterity.

When time is longer I must remember to ramble on about the pretty girl with the brain.

Sorry this one sucked. Maybe a shrink somewhere will find the key to all that is unpleasant in one of these short posts...