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Turning to alcohol to remedy your unhappiness is supposed to be a bad idea, but I've found that enough whisky to get a minor buzz rolling, combined with some conversation with a good listener, really does the trick. I've chosen this path twice recently, as I've been very upset about my choosing to sever ties with a girl who means a great deal to me. I hate that interacting with her on a reduced level has such an effect on me. I hate that severing the ties has been at least equally as painful. There's a lot I hate about my recent focus. A good friend, last night, helped me really realize that I validate myself based on my relationships. The problem is that relationships are based on the free wills of both people involved, so whether she actually cares for me at all or not, it should have nothing to do with my self-worth. I am now trying to rewire my brain so I can once again become happy and self-valuable because of my accomplishments. On another note, I've become even more aware of the power of open honesty. Straight and thorough rejection does a lot more for one's feelings and self-growth than acting as though the truth would destroy him. Rip the damn Band-Aid off. Getting mugged and assaulted was far more understandable and easier to get over than getting dumped, getting comforted, and trying to work out an unbalanced friendship. Anyway, it's been a few days since I did what I felt I had to do. I've been back and forth between feeling mostly satisfied and entirely destroyed. Today is good. I think my mind will stay well, so long as I can avoid dangerous reminders. I must admit, I'm constantly hoping she'll call, fighting for me to be in her life. I kinda know better. Besides, there's always whisky.

I am grossly underslept, which likely plays a part in my sour mood. I had a dream that woke me all the way up about 5 hours after I passed out, and discussed the dream with the person in it that made it disturbing, and I'm afraid I upset her. Since this morning, I've felt the strong effects of deep depression weighing down like the Earth was standing on me for once. I am well aware of many of the things that haunt me and make me feel this way, and the best way to get through it that I can find is pretty much to grin and bear it. Sadly, even when I get good at this practice, the feelings have a way of resurfacing as strong as ever. I can't escape my subconscious thoughts, my dreams, the strange little things that trigger a thought that snowballs into a crushing avalanche of despair. I can put my demons on the back burner, but unwatched, the pots on the back burner tend to boil over. People love to tell me I do this to myself. Thing is, the people I'm upset about aren't exactly at fault, they're just people doing what people do. Since I'm emotionally incapable of doing what everyone else does, I can't flush out my problems with new experiences anywhere near as easily as everyone else does. People tell me how great I am for not reacting so much outwardly as others do, then chastise me for reacting inwardly. I don't think I do it to myself, I just try to be careful with everyone else at my own expense. My world is not beautiful. The beautiful things in my world are maddeningly unattainable to me, not so much to those who hold nothing sacred, the people with hearts that don't bleed.