Transparency

I ran into a series of past and present crushes/loves tonight. Each was as beautiful and horrible as I could imagine. I am now more certain than ever that I am not supposed to have that brand of happiness, which sucks because I really want it.

Yeah

I miss her.

Fuzzhugger (FX)

Just wanted to share some love for Fuzzhugger (FX), run by Tom Dalton, who makes and sells damn fine effect pedals! Tom made my AlgRoar. I threw the idea his way, and he worked magic with it! Now he's working with me on another something special...

Vids soon, I hope!

Blast from the Past

When things were good, just before they hit the highest point ever, then took a shit straight to Hell, I enjoyed The Velvet Underground and this.

Happy Valentine's Day

It All Makes Sense! Thank You, Bible!

My Mama asked me "Do you know how the Bible begins?".

I say "In the beginning".

She says (and ah, fuck! I feel like I'm leaving something out) "In the beginning there was the Word, and the Word was 'God'. And that is what all creation came from, the word 'God". We were discussing the metaphysical importance of sound.

This is how it all makes sense-

In my mind, in an alternate existence, some guy was given yet another bit of information that made his miserable existence even more miserable, to which he said to himself in a desperate, somewhat whiny manner, as though he were pissing, moaning, and about to ask for some form of relief, be it death or a coma, or whatever- "God".

This seemingly harmless statement spawned a brand new existence, somewhere entirely separate from the Speaker's universe. Had his tone been more joyous, our universe would be far more harmonious, and things would only feel good, and we wouldn't be bogged with discontent about why we exist or what we need to do to be our perfect selves, as deemed by a higher power who hasn't the decency to equip us with the slightest hint of knowledge of our purpose, but no, the entire basis of all we are, all we know, and all we will ever experience, is a mildly vulgar groan.

No wonder we're all filled to the brim with negativity. No wonder we're blinded with frustration and stupidity.

So how many billions of universes have we created that we'll likely never be accounted for? Maybe that's why PMA is a good thing. Who wants the weight of multiple universes* subliminally crushing them?

*Since spellcheck didn't have a problem with the pluralization of the word "universe", I'm no longer convinced that there is only one of them. Being that the definition of the word doesn't really leave room for anything to exist outside the universe, including another universe, and two things, supposedly, can't occupy the same space at the same time, the Fabric of Reality has entirely unravelled, and the purest form of chaos has kept everything as we have always perceived it to be, which is why you didn't notice when the Goose Down Vest of Reality became Nothing. Basically, we don't exist, but no one noticed.

Learning to Scream

Thanks, Poison Idea, for writing such a killer song.

Anyway, they say that patience is a virtue. That is one of those "other virtues" that Maximus can do without. I've always been the patient one, giving everyone else all the time in the world to find their comfort zone, but it's all lead me nowhere. All this patience has me living at my dad's house, single, broke, and working a shit job to validate my existence to who? My band mates? Girls? My folks? What does it say that I'm working my ass off, and squeezing in an hour or two every other day to be who I am? What does it say that when a woman is everything I ever hope to have, I'll drop everything to be with her only to have her dash into the arms of some fratboy butthole?

It kills me to be so calm and understanding, ready to stand on the sidelines while everyone else fingers their asses until they wake up and realize that they might only get one shot at life, and though there's no guarantee of success with every try, there is absolute guarantee of failure if you don't try.

I feel like I'm in many people's future, but goddammit, the future is never here, only the present, where I am miserably waiting for someone to catch up. Or at least try.

Acme Double-Edged Swords

I understand corporations. I appreciate them in ways, and despise them in others. I work for a corporate company which touts itself as being run by artists. Hah!

Corporations brainwash like this- They bring you in to work at "competitive wages" and offer various discounts and "benefits". I guess minimum wage is competing with all other forms of payment, beating all the cockroaches you can eat, and being beaten by almost tolerably low wages. Discounts are often nice, if you can find anything you want and can afford, which is often, in the Vinn diagram, found etched into one of the few fibers that connect the two circles, merely by coincidence. Then the discounts are often not worth the hassle of filing a 1040 Pain in the Ass edition, which can only be approved by a higher up whose plate is overflowing with menial rhetoric as it is. So why not just spend the full amount at the nice Mom and Pop? Benefits are the big one. Okay, I dig vision insurance. I've been wearing the same pair of 30 day contacts for around 4 years now. But you have to have medical insurance. I had medical insurance once. Got hooked on anxiety medication and nearly killed someone when I missed a dose. Found out that clinical anxiety is actually a side effect of being a human, especially one who is following a path in life toward something for which said human has never had, and will never have, any passion nor interest at all.

They also give you responsibility and rank (more work and a placebo-fashioned ego boost) which make your job seem more valuable, but some of us eventually realize that 90 per cent of our waking hours are spent existing as a convenience who can quickly become an annoyance if we aren't efficient enough.

So yeah, I'm seriously quitting my job.