perspective

it feels easier and more reasonable to me to ask the world to stop using owls to advertise things and stop making/playing happy music that makes you dance than for me to find any peace of mind by talking it out, or whatever.

happiness is the biggest reminder. reminders destroy everything. being happy breaks my heart.

Day 30

Gave it up, back to smoking. Much happier, despite the inescapable addiction.

28 Days Later

I'm not feeling any cigarette cravings. I never actually did. Here's my assessment.

I can breathe a bit easier and hold some notes for a second or so longer. I'm sure I smell better. I've spent more money on effect pedals. I still dream about her. I drive to work every day thinking about how much I hate living, wishing I'd commit to suicide, like how I finally committed to not smoking, and wondering if it would feel better and easier. Would I feel the weight leave my shoulders, and the tension and stress leave my head as my veins emptied out into the carpet behind the accessories counter? Would she ever find out? Would she care? Why does that matter?

I'm not blaming my not smoking for my depression. I will state for the record that it has done too little for my self opinion to have made any difference, which is a fact that depresses me. This should have been bigger.

I'll now live for an extra ten years.

I don't want to.

Now I have no distraction from the loneliness, the sense that I'm not where I belong. I can't blame my habit, my bad choice, for my lack of confidence. It's just the obvious truth now that I'm really not any good at going after what I want.

I'm strongly considering taking my habit back. At least I can pretend to have the illusion of satisfaction.

40.5 hours smoke free

Contacted someone I should only have ever left alone. Did me no good.
Much harder not to feel like a loser in it's true definition.

Still not tempted to smoke.

Still going, but why?

What's the point? I got to sleep for about an hour last night, and I
dreamt of Her.

But this is all about her.

She's never coming back. She found a guy with unlimited cool points
and took off across the country with him.

How can you love someone so completely, then just stop for no reason
at all?

It's so confusing, I've tried to die, just so I wouldn't think about
it any more.

Now I've thrown away my crutch, my staple to worldly pleasure, just to
wallow in a misery that should have died long ago, if it had to be
born at all.

20.5 hours in

Noticed a reflex when I got in my car to go to the tattoo shop. It was
significant, but not hard to squelch.

15.5 hours in

Not craving a cigarette, but I've been following people's advice and
drinking water and eating fruit. I am, admittedly, a little afraid to
leave the house.