Ruin

I hate the holidays. It's been getting worse every year. I have taken action against myself, apparently, to make this holiday season the worst ever. In tradition with being myself, I had fallen head over heels for another wrong girl. I thought we had plans to hang out a couple of days ago, and I was really looking forward to smoothing things over and finding some peace with being friends. She came to town, and hung out with everybody else, and when I talked to her, I overreacted to everything she said, and as a human, dug up every old hard feeling I had towards her and fired every round of emotional ammunition I had. She's done with me now, and I can't blame her one bit. For all my efforts to be kind and understanding, I have a terrible way of lashing out at someone when they hurt me, even when they do it in a very innocent way. I'm trying to cope with being horrible. The world is full of negativity and aggression this time of year. I try to avoid it, but its weight is entirely unavoidable. No matter how I balance the parts of my life to try to become a happy, balanced person, there's always a part of me that observes everyone else's joy and becomes jealous and bitter. Sure, I rarely go out and hunt some trophy to celebrate the day. I suppose I've gotten used to the trophies tarnishing. I fear gaining anything in the world because of the pain of losing what I've won. I'd like, at this point, to state that I don't want sympathy or advice. I just want to be heard. I want to vent. I can work out my problems if I write them down or speak them aloud. I hope that if anyone reading can identify, then maybe they can find comfort in someone else going through the same thing.