Fun Factor, Leaking Like the Deepwater Horizon

There's a window that opens for a split second every twenty blue moons, and I just flew into it, right after it shut, like a sparrow, at a breakneck speed.

I think I hate strangers. Or maybe I'm just over the thrill of observing them. In a way, and I think this is based on my recent moods, I see strangers and acquaintances, hell, probably some friends too, and try to figure out how whorish they are. Everyone will trade something of themselves for some gain from another person, be it fucking for money or using whitening toothpaste so as not to look like you have real teeth like everyone else. I'm guilty of it, and so is everyone else except maybe hermits and some Zen masters.

I was recently accused of judging others, and it's true, I am not proud of it, but I have it in me to express my dissatisfaction with the actions of others. Maybe my accuser should not feel so high on his (or her) horse. My point is that everyone has an amount of shit they'll forgive, as well as an amount of gray area where some people can get away with some things for some reason. I guess I don't write enough about the wonderful things that wonderful people do around me every day. Though that sounds very sarcastic, people really are constantly making me smile.

All the reading I've done over enlightenment is fascinating, and I hope to achieve enlightenment, but I don't believe I'm there yet. I have this self-preservation mechanism attached to my ego that seeks out what not to trust in everyone. In turn, I don't have many friends that I trust whole heartedly, and I'll probably never have a girlfriend again. I have three options. I could let go of my ego and accept that, since I can't trust anyone whole heartedly, nothing should be held sacred, therefore I'll have nothing to worry about. I could become completely self-aware and focus on being a perfect man, which will leave me completely alone, but happy with my purity. My third option is to stay the way I am, which is actually a combination of the other two options.

All three options are kinda crap to me. The first option, I'll call it the Bohemian option, doesn't seem to include any self-respect, only greed and empty rewards. The second option, I'll call it the Holier than Thou option, seems to lack genuine enjoyment, and seems that it would sap me of character. I mean, whose favorite Ninja Turtle was Leonardo? Option number three, the Jake option, I suppose has got me where I am, but I'm a bit discontented. Will perseverance be fruitful, or am I the living definition of insanity, expecting a different result from the same thing, over and over again? Is my discomfort based on the fact that most people can easily pick between Jesus and the Marquis de Sade, and I can't?

Nothing that hasn't been said a godzillion times already

America pisses and moans about America being fat and lazy. America shits and cries about petroleum pricing and pollution. America farts and hollers about its people's rights, which are more often than not, privileges.

I work in a mall. Thankfully not a retail job, but my place of business is in a shopping mall. I ride a bike, so I often eat at the food court on the opposite end of the mall.

We'll sidestep a second for a question of geometry. Is it actually true that the quickest route from A to B is a straight line? Not if you're walking through an American mall, it ain't! I can follow the sidewalk outside the mall to the food court and get there far faster than through the hallway. Why? Because people loaf around at almost negative speeds, elbow to spread elbow, dragging their fucking feet down every hallway, every minute of the day.

My pack-a-day smoking ass could make it from one end to the other in about 6 minutes, halls clear. The people that drive tanks to every destination further than the end of the driveway take weeks to walk past a single shop. These are most likely the people who complained enough to have my smoking PRIVILEGE taken away because they have a "RIGHT" to be fat, slow, stinky, and defensive in the "PUBLIC PLACE" that is the mall in which I work and often spend my lunch breaks. ("Public place" is in quotes because the mall is actually private property, which is why if some drunk teenager wrecks your car, the cops can't do anything about it. Since it is private property, we have no right to be there, but a privilege, and the city's smoking ban should not be enforced unless it is the will of the mall's owners, which it is, but it is not the will of several local business owners, but I digress...)

I'm not the most cultured, healthy person in America, Texas, Beaumont, even my own house, and maybe it's my awareness of that which has sparked some changes in my habits lately. My message to everyone is one word- Move. Walk a hair faster, ride a bike, run, just quit being a goddamn slug, congesting massive hallways with your goddamn slug friends and families, marveling at cheap shit made out of petroleum byproducts that are raising gas prices even more.

Or don't. I enjoy the exercise and fresh air I get when I take the outside route. When every parking spot in America requires a handicap parking tag because our population is too weak and feeble, the bike rack is still closer to the door.

Sorry, I go through this thought process many times a day. Now I've addressed it, hopefully it won't haunt me anymore.

I'd like to note that Jared Hinson fueled my knowledge of the difference between what is a right and a privilege, and the difference between public and private, when it comes to property.

NOLA

Just got back from Brotha John's wedding! It was amazing!

Here are some of the facts to which I became aware over the past 3 days.

I can meditate and focus on enlightenment 'til the cows come home, but knowing I'll be passing through certain parts of the universe, especially on the way to my brother's wedding, will become intensely destructive, in an emotional sense. I in turn learned that I can zone out in the back of my dad's car for a VERY long time, completely missing entire towns and related conversations.

My tendency to speak sarcastically has got many people to laugh and shrug off some of the most serious and important things I say.

I am rarely, if ever, interested at all in tourist attractions. I am far more inclined to enjoy the gnarled root system of a tree desperately growing through the cracks in a sidewalk, or stopping to appreciate a single brick in a huge wall, without which the wall may be considered flawed to the point of being worthless.

New Orleans is a deeply charming place. It never ceased to hold its charm, which was slightly problematic, as that charm has a particular weight for me.

Unrequited love leads to nihilism.

John and Jill really, really love each other so much that nothing bothered me when they gave their vows. That was amazing. They'll be together forever, and that restores some hope for me.

It is awkward to be one of the only single people at a wedding, especially when people ask why.

Absinthe is a great father/son bonding device.

Done with a car

Tomorrow, or more literally today, I'm going to shop for new transportation. I'm trying to decide between a cruiser/commuter bike or a Honda Ruckus.

I'd like the bike for exercise, but to be honest, I don't always feel like exerting that much energy. The only real downfall to the Ruckus is that I'd have to get insurance and a class M driver's license. That, and it will cost 2 to 3 times as much for the purchase. Hmmm...

So Here It Is

The Facebook page does still exist, but only so I can promote shows and other band stuff. I deleted all my friends, as my big problem was with always getting my communication and updates and whatnot through this fucked virtual friendship with everyone. I missed out on things because I wasn't constantly devoting my attention to the news feed. I'm such a bastard.

I've spent a lot of time reflecting and thinking about my relationships with people. Goddammit, out of nearly 700 "friends", I think I'd get more interaction and fewer lonely nights! So no more aggrandizing acquaintances. Hell, I had a couple of "friends" that I really don't even like. They're just people I know that have never directly accosted me. There's even one that I might consider my enemy, as his every action sends me reeling in disgust, and several of his actions have severely soiled my opinion of a couple of local girls I had previously spent long hours musing over.

I think my constant shutting down of social networking profiles gives people the impression that I'm a hateful asshole or something of the sort. On the contrary, I like all the people too much to rely on vague public conversations, which lack inflection, to be the medium on which to sustain friendship.

A message to many of you, the pretty girls- Your sweet words and pretty pictures tie up my brain on lonely nights. I lose sleep thinking about how you put yourselves on such a display, but for me to voice my undying appreciation just feels inappropriate, as does not voicing my appreciation. I'm too old for this shit.

So step out of the pixels and plasma screens. Be real. Let's go have tea sometime, as drunkenly trying to read myself to sleep sucks, and as it is in life and movies, so it is in a day- how it ends is every bit as important as everything else.

Cycles

It's really getting to me again, being aware of all the life going on in the outside world.

I check my facebook, only to see that everyone in the know had a blast, this rad girl is now dating this douchebag, that perfect girl is still happy with that douchebag, and that guy who fucked every girl I've ever liked is one of the 6 people that facebook wants to announce is my friend. No, he isn't. I added him because I know him, which is probably information he uses to woo the girl I daydream about. Fucker.

So I'm taking the ostrich route. Turning up the "Jake" knob, and turning down the "Everything Else" knob.

I don't need a friends list. Most of them are acquaintances anyway.