I think I hate strangers. Or maybe I'm just over the thrill of observing them. In a way, and I think this is based on my recent moods, I see strangers and acquaintances, hell, probably some friends too, and try to figure out how whorish they are. Everyone will trade something of themselves for some gain from another person, be it fucking for money or using whitening toothpaste so as not to look like you have real teeth like everyone else. I'm guilty of it, and so is everyone else except maybe hermits and some Zen masters.

I was recently accused of judging others, and it's true, I am not proud of it, but I have it in me to express my dissatisfaction with the actions of others. Maybe my accuser should not feel so high on his (or her) horse. My point is that everyone has an amount of shit they'll forgive, as well as an amount of gray area where some people can get away with some things for some reason. I guess I don't write enough about the wonderful things that wonderful people do around me every day. Though that sounds very sarcastic, people really are constantly making me smile.

All the reading I've done over enlightenment is fascinating, and I hope to achieve enlightenment, but I don't believe I'm there yet. I have this self-preservation mechanism attached to my ego that seeks out what not to trust in everyone. In turn, I don't have many friends that I trust whole heartedly, and I'll probably never have a girlfriend again. I have three options. I could let go of my ego and accept that, since I can't trust anyone whole heartedly, nothing should be held sacred, therefore I'll have nothing to worry about. I could become completely self-aware and focus on being a perfect man, which will leave me completely alone, but happy with my purity. My third option is to stay the way I am, which is actually a combination of the other two options.

All three options are kinda crap to me. The first option, I'll call it the Bohemian option, doesn't seem to include any self-respect, only greed and empty rewards. The second option, I'll call it the Holier than Thou option, seems to lack genuine enjoyment, and seems that it would sap me of character. I mean, whose favorite Ninja Turtle was Leonardo? Option number three, the Jake option, I suppose has got me where I am, but I'm a bit discontented. Will perseverance be fruitful, or am I the living definition of insanity, expecting a different result from the same thing, over and over again? Is my discomfort based on the fact that most people can easily pick between Jesus and the Marquis de Sade, and I can't?