Ramblings

New Revelations

2012-01-22T15:59:00.001-06:00

I reluctantly went to a gentlemen's club last night with a couple of friends I hadn't seen in a long time, and unexpectedly found myself in the right mindset for the venture. I admit I'm far less interested in this kind of thing than most rock n' rollers are supposed to be, in fact, the industry often depresses me. Anyway, a couple of the entertainers reminded me of some works of art, which inspired me to research Frank Frazetta and Alphonse Mucha, which has inspired me to draw and paint more and also to celebrate women more. I also realized that I am instinctively more attracted to healthy, curvy girls than petite girls, and at least one of my comrades seems to be in agreement.

Hooray!

Update on the Rescue of My Brain from the Clutches of Madness

2012-01-20T20:59:00.001-06:00

Not a lot to write about at the moment, just wanted to report that I'm still sustaining happiness, and have enjoyed a philosophical mental journey for the first time in many years. I imagined the possibility that my perception of actuality is entirely unique to me, and everyone I interact with is momentarily visiting it, as I will for them when I'm dreaming, which I equate to astral projection. Strangely, anyone who attempts to prove me wrong can be perceived as an agent sent to keep the mystery intact, likely for my own sanity. That's a brief synopsis, I actually thought very intricately about it. Anyway, I've let cure the concrete of my being of a sound and focused mind. Fear and depression no longer weigh me down, and I am truthfully hopeful for the future. I can't entirely shake the fact that I still miss someone, but that's okay, I've missed someone or another my whole life. I am blessed with a certain lack of concern for many a mental and emotional ball and chain. I recommend everyone everywhere live in a fantasy, otherwise the universe will lose all color, and flavor, and become entirely bland.

A Debt of Gratitude

2012-01-05T15:15:00.001-06:00

It's been on my mind lately that everything I was depressed about for the past 14 years has really been for the better. Very recently, I was moving towards being a husband and stepfather, which would have been the end of my life's work towards being a particular kind of musician. I have no business trying to be a family man, or any brand of adult. I've known that my entire life, but I was so enchanted by the woman that any other source of happiness seemed unreal. She was right to call things off with me, even though it really hurt at the time. A mother's instincts are truly powerful, and undebatable. Experience has separated me from who I was when I was truly happy, but I'm now using all I've learned to figure out exactly what's important and how to achieve being who I need to be. Her intuition that I'd never really care about health insurance and financial security was pretty damn accurate. It's no discredit to her that she's looking for that kind of thing, it's about the wellbeing of her child, not some golddigging scandal. I'm grateful to her. I'm grateful to every good woman that left me with the opportunity to realize that I was happy once before, and I have every reason to be that way again. In fact, it is my duty to the world to prove that following your dream is key to the survival of all that exists. Maybe when I'm 50 and wealthy, I'll slow it down and support a family. Maybe not.

Waking Up

2012-01-01T17:51:00.000-06:00

It's been a day of good omens. Twice, the number 1998 appeared. That was the last year I remember as having been largely enjoyable. I was prompted to ask myself what made it such a good year, and I realized that it was a time where I was immersed in my own ongoing pursuit of happiness. It rarely bothered me at all that I was single. In fact, I loved that I was, and avoided any risk of losing such a status. Granted, I hadn't yet lost my virginity nor had any lengthy relationship with a woman. It was this that gave me the freedom of will it takes to realize what actually makes me happy, which is being artistically productive and being aware of my ability, and therefore, sharp and focused with what I had. 14 years later, I have experienced much. Enough to realize that I was right in thinking I had it all figured out. Much of last year, I spoke to myself about how that wasn't the case because I was in pursuit of an idea that I thought would be far more spiritually lucrative and satisfying. In hindsight, I was miserable the entire time, enjoying a future that would never come to be.My New Year's Resolutions are to be entirely honest, fearless, and present so that I won't wind up living in some lie, figuring out how to trick myself and everyone else into believing that the world is great, but instead, actually making the world great. I resolve to own responsibility for my own happiness.

New Year

2012-01-01T00:11:00.000-06:00

I had all kinds of neat shit I've been meaning to post about, regarding the English language and several inspirational quotes and such, but another holiday has sent me home feeling awful. I really just want to mark, at this moment, that this 2012 year has been rung in as completely horrible and disappointing, not the least of which is due to being ditched by a girl I really like, who I'd have been happy to be in the same building as. I've had very short recesses from depression, which were quickly taken care of by unexpected full page pictures of the last girl to incinerate my heart and things of the like. My hopeful statement for the year, be there any, is that there is so much room for improvement that if I look back on this moment, I can easily call this year the best since '98.

2011-12-29T18:37:00.000-06:00

The Universe has played a strange card, one that makes me feel that I should make the public statement that I'll say nothing in its regard.

The End of the Holidays is Nigh...

2011-12-25T00:34:00.002-06:00

And I couldn't be happier for it. The holiday season is rarely any brand of nice to me. I understand that there is stress for everyone, what with all the shopping and traveling and aiming to please, but I'm one of those that takes all the reminders of what the season is for- being with those you love, and spreading joy- and can only focus on those I want to be with that want someone else, and the fact that I haven't any real joy to spread around. I love my friends and family dearly, but I constantly compare my situation to theirs, with their significant others and happy comforts. I went to the company Christmas party and won movie tickets and gift certificates to a very nice restaurant. A perfect date night for someone who has been brutally reminded by past loves that he isn't what a girl wants. One more punch to the gut from the Universe.On the other hand, I bought several comic books recently, and I have many resources to paint and work on blacksmithing, so I can somewhat enjoy my single life. The road ahead is hard, and few see the value in taking it. I can't blame them though, I have no idea what's out there.

So I Had My Family Holiday Party...

2011-12-18T02:33:00.002-06:00

...and I gave my dad his present, as he was the name drawn for me as a recipient of a gift. Said gift, and I'm drunk, turned out to be a painting of an ape favoring Mrs. Slides, from William Castle's "House on Haunted Hill", who scared my dad and my sister and myself since early childhood. My joy in this painting came from Dad saying he wouldn't hang it in his room because it may scare him, nor in his office because someone may steal it. I feel myself an effective artist.Beyond that, there was something very strong I wanted to express, but fuck it, I'm drunk. Women want money, men want poon tang, I want truth. Truth with pretty eyes. And poon tang.My rad sister in law got me oil paints and brushes. I'm absurdly grateful!Glad, regardless, to be done with the holidays, to be saved by a worthy New Year's kiss...

Ye Olde Joy of Activity

2011-12-14T15:27:00.001-06:00

Have spent very little time on the internet lately, which is better than I'd originally imagined. My friendships are strengthening, and I've stepped into the world of blacksmithing, which is in my blood. I've been working a lot on a really big knife, of which I'm already very proud. I also feel like I'm in the best shape I've been in in years. I miss love and intimacy, but it currently resides in my mind as a fond memory.

An Observation

2011-12-01T14:09:00.001-06:00

I have said many times that I believe love is the most destructive force in the world. My case- I constantly aim to be honest with myself and everyone on all counts, regardless of mood or motive. I try to be righteous, and all the virtuous adjectives, but when I share love with a woman, I become the most entirely unforgivable person in her life. Maybe it isn't love to blame. I think there's a purity about honesty that goes far unappreciated. I want to be painfully honest now, because I'm waking up to the fact that most friends in the world hold each other at arm's length. I feel now that the only people I should even consider keeping around in any capacity are the ones who do not fear the truth about me and vice versa.

Facebook Page, Dead at 2, or younger...

2011-11-30T04:21:00.001-06:00

Too easy. Too accessible. Too thoughtless. Good riddance. I was happier without it, and so are my friends who left. I only have a handful of real friends anyway, which leaves some 950 people wondering what the problem is. Well, call me and find out.

Ruin

2011-11-27T15:29:00.001-06:00

I hate the holidays. It's been getting worse every year. I have taken action against myself, apparently, to make this holiday season the worst ever.In tradition with being myself, I had fallen head over heels for another wrong girl. I thought we had plans to hang out a couple of days ago, and I was really looking forward to smoothing things over and finding some peace with being friends. She came to town, and hung out with everybody else, and when I talked to her, I overreacted to everything she said, and as a human, dug up every old hard feeling I had towards her and fired every round of emotional ammunition I had. She's done with me now, and I can't blame her one bit. For all my efforts to be kind and understanding, I have a terrible way of lashing out at someone when they hurt me, even when they do it in a very innocent way. I'm trying to cope with being horrible. The world is full of negativity and aggression this time of year. I try to avoid it, but its weight is entirely unavoidable. No matter how I balance the parts of my life to try to become a happy, balanced person, there's always a part of me that observes everyone else's joy and becomes jealous and bitter. Sure, I rarely go out and hunt some trophy to celebrate the day. I suppose I've gotten used to the trophies tarnishing. I fear gaining anything in the world because of the pain of losing what I've won.I'd like, at this point, to state that I don't want sympathy or advice. I just want to be heard. I want to vent. I can work out my problems if I write them down or speak them aloud. I hope that if anyone reading can identify, then maybe they can find comfort in someone else going through the same thing.

2011-10-28T02:18:00.000-05:00

The distant chemical pyres cast a jaundiced hue behind the trees, silhouetted as sharply as the erogenous points of her, silently begging, dreamlike, for attention. I'm defenseless to their call, helpless to the one dying for my boiling blood. She calls out "World, fix me?" and her call is answered by any number of bloodthirsty needles and blades, cold steel designed to pierce and learn for a price, while my life's blood sours, waiting to live and share life, poisoning the heart that issues. A painful life. A responsible life. An irritated life. Nothing I wouldn't die enjoying for the opportunity. When are the dues paid? When is a break?

We Were Wolves Recent Videos!

2011-09-28T17:00:00.000-05:00

2011-09-15T15:40:00.002-05:00

Turning to alcohol to remedy your unhappiness is supposed to be a bad idea, but I've found that enough whisky to get a minor buzz rolling, combined with some conversation with a good listener, really does the trick.I've chosen this path twice recently, as I've been very upset about my choosing to sever ties with a girl who means a great deal to me. I hate that interacting with her on a reduced level has such an effect on me. I hate that severing the ties has been at least equally as painful. There's a lot I hate about my recent focus.A good friend, last night, helped me really realize that I validate myself based on my relationships. The problem is that relationships are based on the free wills of both people involved, so whether she actually cares for me at all or not, it should have nothing to do with my self-worth. I am now trying to rewire my brain so I can once again become happy and self-valuable because of my accomplishments.On another note, I've become even more aware of the power of open honesty. Straight and thorough rejection does a lot more for one's feelings and self-growth than acting as though the truth would destroy him. Rip the damn Band-Aid off. Getting mugged and assaulted was far more understandable and easier to get over than getting dumped, getting comforted, and trying to work out an unbalanced friendship.Anyway, it's been a few days since I did what I felt I had to do. I've been back and forth between feeling mostly satisfied and entirely destroyed. Today is good. I think my mind will stay well, so long as I can avoid dangerous reminders. I must admit, I'm constantly hoping she'll call, fighting for me to be in her life. I kinda know better.Besides, there's always whisky.

2011-09-08T16:30:00.002-05:00

I am grossly underslept, which likely plays a part in my sour mood. I had a dream that woke me all the way up about 5 hours after I passed out, and discussed the dream with the person in it that made it disturbing, and I'm afraid I upset her. Since this morning, I've felt the strong effects of deep depression weighing down like the Earth was standing on me for once. I am well aware of many of the things that haunt me and make me feel this way, and the best way to get through it that I can find is pretty much to grin and bear it. Sadly, even when I get good at this practice, the feelings have a way of resurfacing as strong as ever.I can't escape my subconscious thoughts, my dreams, the strange little things that trigger a thought that snowballs into a crushing avalanche of despair. I can put my demons on the back burner, but unwatched, the pots on the back burner tend to boil over.People love to tell me I do this to myself. Thing is, the people I'm upset about aren't exactly at fault, they're just people doing what people do. Since I'm emotionally incapable of doing what everyone else does, I can't flush out my problems with new experiences anywhere near as easily as everyone else does. People tell me how great I am for not reacting so much outwardly as others do, then chastise me for reacting inwardly. I don't think I do it to myself, I just try to be careful with everyone else at my own expense.My world is not beautiful. The beautiful things in my world are maddeningly unattainable to me, not so much to those who hold nothing sacred, the people with hearts that don't bleed.

To Hell with this Hell!

2011-08-29T18:01:00.002-05:00

I have no desire to remain in this heat any longer. I have a strong desire to be where it is never this hot, but is often far colder than it gets around here. I have no faith in the future of America, so I am once again starting to strongly think about how life would be in the Arctic Circle. Sweden, Finland, Norway... There may be places in America that I could enjoy living, but I don't think I'll ever truly find comfort amongst its people. I just want to know what else is out there, preferably somewhere that the people don't have such an absurd sense of entitlement. I want to live where nice things are appreciated, not expected.

I hate talking politics, but I can't see America becoming enjoyable or fair any time soon. The bipartisan game of strategy is fucking everyone by being too nitpicky to allow any progress, so the "world economy" is failing. No one in charge cares at all for the good of mankind, and that is obvious. They only use the concept of good to deceive the masses into offering them power. But they are already the gluttons swollen with power. No one will compromise for the well being of the people, and I'm afraid that the nation will not heal without revolution, so I'd like to just leave.

"America. Love it, or leave it." That's what they say. I hope leaving it is easier than I expect.

Diesel & Dixie

2011-06-28T13:58:00.002-05:00

Super awesome Austin band we had the pleasure of sharing a bill with in San Angelo. Rock them! Diesel & Dixie

Real Talk

2011-06-28T02:44:00.002-05:00

I vent a lot on this blog page thing here, and it helps me get through hard times. I have an ulterior motive. I want to share my experiences with everyone so that they can understand what goes on in what I believe is many people's minds and hearts. When a girl goes on and on about how amazing and wonderful I am, then dumps me because "I just don't wanna date anybody right now", that fucking hurts. Hard. Getting dumped for someone else is strangely less painful, at least if he's an old ex, maybe because I can sympathize, unless of course the girl I plan to marry brings it up to him while we're dating...

Anyway, yes, I want the answers. I also want the girl of my dreams to read my blog and realize who I am, and fall madly in love with me for the rest of time. More than any of that, I want people to simply understand that if you aren't in love with someone DON'T FUCKING TELL THEM YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH THEM!!! When "love" stops with no explanation, someone is left with complexes and buckets of self esteem issues. Not you? then you're the asshole!

I've contemplated and attempted suicide because of how I've been regarded and subsequently disregarded. I swear i'm not digging for sympathy, I'm actually pretty happy right now. Just keep your pants on if you're not with someone you want to be with forever, even if it means not living in some big fuckoff city where you can find another cock to squat if this one doesn't work out. Do it for him or her, yourself, and the future of mankind. I want to believe that I'm more than a product of a failed relationship, and that I'm not cursed with an unlovability that is destined to ruin every good thing I devote myself to.

Woke Up Sober

2011-05-31T13:32:00.002-05:00

The truth of the recent matter still has me feeling pretty reduced, but I got the truth. She cared enough to be honest. Her efforts to defend herself were, I suppose, to be expected, but they were frustrating. I reacted probably a lot more strongly than was necessary. But in the end, I feel like I deserved the entire truth, and she deserved to know what her actions will do to a person.

If anyone knows who I'm talking about, I'd like to make it known that I don't hate her, or think she's a horrible person. What she did hurt me deeply, and I hurt her right back. The score is hopefully settled, and I have my closure. I hope she finds something positive from our heated conversation and uses it to keep a genuine happiness.

Follow Up!

2011-05-31T00:45:00.002-05:00

I got the truth I asked for and more! While we were seeing each other, she took a trip to NYC. While she was there, she visited the butthole that broke her heart before and "innocently enough" asked him "Sowhen are you gonna come back and marry me?". If it was so innocent, why is he now doing that? Why did she shit on me and go along with it? So I yelled at her and called her a dickhead and an asshole and a sonofabitch. Her response-"**** has never yelled at me or called me names!" Sure, she didn't offer her heart and the rest of her life to another dude while they were dating!

I feel like I was understandably furious. She told me I fight too dirty. Well, I just spoke the truth. Give me a weapon and ammo aplenty and tell me you betrayed me in about the worst way, I'm probably gonna use that weapon, and shoot from the hip. It's not my fault if every bullet finds a home in your heart.

2011-05-29T21:38:00.002-05:00

Well, it seems I've dug a new pit of discontent.

I sorta had a girl who let me go, and within a couple weeks had "a close friend" come to visit. When a girl uses the word "close", it's generally safe to assume the worst. In this case, it was the dude who broke her heart and disappeared years ago. I find it really hard to believe it was coincidence that it happened right after she decided I wasn't worth waiting for. Strangely, having broken up with a great girl for an ex that had broken my heart, I understand and feel like I deserve this. If it is coincidence though, then shit isn't cool, I guess. She wanted me to "compromise" by quitting my band and leaving everything I know to go live in a town I'm not really wild about. She'd have let me live really cheap with her, but I hardly find that a compromise. I also feel like if I'd done all that, she'd have found a way to get rid of me when this butthole came back around anyway. There's a lot more that I won't go into. Long story short, I believe she went out of her way to convince me I didn't really like her that much anyway.

I was able to keep my chin up because the one girl I like that lives in town had been showing me some attention. I decided to be bold and test the water, and yeah, "she's just not that into me", as is said to make somebody feel better. She makes a damn good friend though. I'm sure she wasn't trying to lead me on, but a confident man is supposed to get out and get what he wants, right?

So yeah, readers, I'm unhappy again, so I'll be writing plenty of sarcastic, angry shit you'll laugh about. At least until I get my puppy. Then nothing will ever bother me again.

A Title Would Imply that I Know What I'm Going to Write

2011-02-01T12:05:00.002-06:00

This is my last week to watch the kids. Leaving is a very important thing for me to do, but I'm going to miss them dreadfully. Ok, it's not like I'll never see them again, but I feel so selfish.

As it turns out, I have two shows to play with We Were Wolves this week, and being Tuesday already, my week is starting late. It's becoming a half-week the more I think about it.

I'm also realizing that I'm a little too confused to write anything particularly interesting, so this is here for posterity.

When time is longer I must remember to ramble on about the pretty girl with the brain.

Sorry this one sucked. Maybe a shrink somewhere will find the key to all that is unpleasant in one of these short posts...

Reattaining the blog...

2010-12-29T02:28:00.002-06:00

I'm kinda drunk and frustrated with women and the public at large.

God, I hope my writing gets better...

Or maybe that's it. Maybe I need to keep it that simple. Maybe I need a Twitter account, at least to give the condensed versions of my often verbose blog posts.

Suck it.

Recently

2010-09-09T02:11:00.002-05:00

You know how at the end of the day, when someone asks what you did today, you can think of a million things, but thinking of what you did for the past decade usually draws a blank? Well, I just thought about the past couple of weeks and realized that I've been through everything, the entire rollercoaster that life is, save for any major accomplishments, like getting a new car or further distancing myself from my virginity.

Yep, been through a lot lately.

Too much to even know where to start, so I'll pass on the details. Sorry.

The point, I suppose, is that I've been living, which masks the scent of death creeping up. Sometimes, particular alternatives make me miss the olfactory stimulation of impending doom.

I often hate writing out what the point is. Really, I think the stuff I write gets across better if I trust you to evaluate it yourself, for better or worse. Worse than that is being asked to explain myself. Here's my pre-fabricated response to that request- Fuck you.

Sometimes I get lonely, and only want to be acknowledged. After I vent all these tiny random thoughts, then maybe I can discuss something with a point.

2010-07-17T14:52:00.001-05:00

The swimming mouse churns the cream to butter. Then, being too stupid to climb out, he lets the Beaumont sun melt the butter. Over and over again.

Fun Factor, Leaking Like the Deepwater Horizon

2010-06-29T03:06:00.002-05:00

There's a window that opens for a split second every twenty blue moons, and I just flew into it, right after it shut, like a sparrow, at a breakneck speed.

2010-06-10T03:21:00.002-05:00

I think I hate strangers. Or maybe I'm just over the thrill of observing them. In a way, and I think this is based on my recent moods, I see strangers and acquaintances, hell, probably some friends too, and try to figure out how whorish they are. Everyone will trade something of themselves for some gain from another person, be it fucking for money or using whitening toothpaste so as not to look like you have real teeth like everyone else. I'm guilty of it, and so is everyone else except maybe hermits and some Zen masters.

I was recently accused of judging others, and it's true, I am not proud of it, but I have it in me to express my dissatisfaction with the actions of others. Maybe my accuser should not feel so high on his (or her) horse. My point is that everyone has an amount of shit they'll forgive, as well as an amount of gray area where some people can get away with some things for some reason. I guess I don't write enough about the wonderful things that wonderful people do around me every day. Though that sounds very sarcastic, people really are constantly making me smile.

All the reading I've done over enlightenment is fascinating, and I hope to achieve enlightenment, but I don't believe I'm there yet. I have this self-preservation mechanism attached to my ego that seeks out what not to trust in everyone. In turn, I don't have many friends that I trust whole heartedly, and I'll probably never have a girlfriend again. I have three options. I could let go of my ego and accept that, since I can't trust anyone whole heartedly, nothing should be held sacred, therefore I'll have nothing to worry about. I could become completely self-aware and focus on being a perfect man, which will leave me completely alone, but happy with my purity. My third option is to stay the way I am, which is actually a combination of the other two options.

All three options are kinda crap to me. The first option, I'll call it the Bohemian option, doesn't seem to include any self-respect, only greed and empty rewards. The second option, I'll call it the Holier than Thou option, seems to lack genuine enjoyment, and seems that it would sap me of character. I mean, whose favorite Ninja Turtle was Leonardo? Option number three, the Jake option, I suppose has got me where I am, but I'm a bit discontented. Will perseverance be fruitful, or am I the living definition of insanity, expecting a different result from the same thing, over and over again? Is my discomfort based on the fact that most people can easily pick between Jesus and the Marquis de Sade, and I can't?

Nothing that hasn't been said a godzillion times already

2010-06-10T02:22:00.003-05:00

America pisses and moans about America being fat and lazy. America shits and cries about petroleum pricing and pollution. America farts and hollers about its people's rights, which are more often than not, privileges.

I work in a mall. Thankfully not a retail job, but my place of business is in a shopping mall. I ride a bike, so I often eat at the food court on the opposite end of the mall.

We'll sidestep a second for a question of geometry. Is it actually true that the quickest route from A to B is a straight line? Not if you're walking through an American mall, it ain't! I can follow the sidewalk outside the mall to the food court and get there far faster than through the hallway. Why? Because people loaf around at almost negative speeds, elbow to spread elbow, dragging their fucking feet down every hallway, every minute of the day.

My pack-a-day smoking ass could make it from one end to the other in about 6 minutes, halls clear. The people that drive tanks to every destination further than the end of the driveway take weeks to walk past a single shop. These are most likely the people who complained enough to have my smoking PRIVILEGE taken away because they have a "RIGHT" to be fat, slow, stinky, and defensive in the "PUBLIC PLACE" that is the mall in which I work and often spend my lunch breaks. ("Public place" is in quotes because the mall is actually private property, which is why if some drunk teenager wrecks your car, the cops can't do anything about it. Since it is private property, we have no right to be there, but a privilege, and the city's smoking ban should not be enforced unless it is the will of the mall's owners, which it is, but it is not the will of several local business owners, but I digress...)

I'm not the most cultured, healthy person in America, Texas, Beaumont, even my own house, and maybe it's my awareness of that which has sparked some changes in my habits lately. My message to everyone is one word- Move. Walk a hair faster, ride a bike, run, just quit being a goddamn slug, congesting massive hallways with your goddamn slug friends and families, marveling at cheap shit made out of petroleum byproducts that are raising gas prices even more.

Or don't. I enjoy the exercise and fresh air I get when I take the outside route. When every parking spot in America requires a handicap parking tag because our population is too weak and feeble, the bike rack is still closer to the door.

Sorry, I go through this thought process many times a day. Now I've addressed it, hopefully it won't haunt me anymore.

I'd like to note that Jared Hinson fueled my knowledge of the difference between what is a right and a privilege, and the difference between public and private, when it comes to property.

NOLA

2010-05-23T20:28:00.002-05:00

Just got back from Brotha John's wedding! It was amazing!

Here are some of the facts to which I became aware over the past 3 days.

I can meditate and focus on enlightenment 'til the cows come home, but knowing I'll be passing through certain parts of the universe, especially on the way to my brother's wedding, will become intensely destructive, in an emotional sense. I in turn learned that I can zone out in the back of my dad's car for a VERY long time, completely missing entire towns and related conversations.

My tendency to speak sarcastically has got many people to laugh and shrug off some of the most serious and important things I say.

I am rarely, if ever, interested at all in tourist attractions. I am far more inclined to enjoy the gnarled root system of a tree desperately growing through the cracks in a sidewalk, or stopping to appreciate a single brick in a huge wall, without which the wall may be considered flawed to the point of being worthless.

New Orleans is a deeply charming place. It never ceased to hold its charm, which was slightly problematic, as that charm has a particular weight for me.

Unrequited love leads to nihilism.

John and Jill really, really love each other so much that nothing bothered me when they gave their vows. That was amazing. They'll be together forever, and that restores some hope for me.

It is awkward to be one of the only single people at a wedding, especially when people ask why.

Absinthe is a great father/son bonding device.

Done with a car

2010-05-18T03:48:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow, or more literally today, I'm going to shop for new transportation. I'm trying to decide between a cruiser/commuter bike or a Honda Ruckus.

I'd like the bike for exercise, but to be honest, I don't always feel like exerting that much energy. The only real downfall to the Ruckus is that I'd have to get insurance and a class M driver's license. That, and it will cost 2 to 3 times as much for the purchase. Hmmm...

So Here It Is

2010-05-09T15:32:00.002-05:00

The Facebook page does still exist, but only so I can promote shows and other band stuff. I deleted all my friends, as my big problem was with always getting my communication and updates and whatnot through this fucked virtual friendship with everyone. I missed out on things because I wasn't constantly devoting my attention to the news feed. I'm such a bastard.

I've spent a lot of time reflecting and thinking about my relationships with people. Goddammit, out of nearly 700 "friends", I think I'd get more interaction and fewer lonely nights! So no more aggrandizing acquaintances. Hell, I had a couple of "friends" that I really don't even like. They're just people I know that have never directly accosted me. There's even one that I might consider my enemy, as his every action sends me reeling in disgust, and several of his actions have severely soiled my opinion of a couple of local girls I had previously spent long hours musing over.

I think my constant shutting down of social networking profiles gives people the impression that I'm a hateful asshole or something of the sort. On the contrary, I like all the people too much to rely on vague public conversations, which lack inflection, to be the medium on which to sustain friendship.

A message to many of you, the pretty girls- Your sweet words and pretty pictures tie up my brain on lonely nights. I lose sleep thinking about how you put yourselves on such a display, but for me to voice my undying appreciation just feels inappropriate, as does not voicing my appreciation. I'm too old for this shit.

So step out of the pixels and plasma screens. Be real. Let's go have tea sometime, as drunkenly trying to read myself to sleep sucks, and as it is in life and movies, so it is in a day- how it ends is every bit as important as everything else.

Cycles

2010-05-08T01:02:00.002-05:00

It's really getting to me again, being aware of all the life going on in the outside world.

I check my facebook, only to see that everyone in the know had a blast, this rad girl is now dating this douchebag, that perfect girl is still happy with that douchebag, and that guy who fucked every girl I've ever liked is one of the 6 people that facebook wants to announce is my friend. No, he isn't. I added him because I know him, which is probably information he uses to woo the girl I daydream about. Fucker.

So I'm taking the ostrich route. Turning up the "Jake" knob, and turning down the "Everything Else" knob.

I don't need a friends list. Most of them are acquaintances anyway.

Burn Before Reading

2010-05-08T00:20:00.002-05:00

So, drunkenly, I decided the other night to write a pretty long message to a girl through facebook, telling her how she makes me feel, how I appreciate everything about her, and all that stuff that keeps me hoping she'll call or show up somewhere. I spent a long time wording everything perfectly and trying to make sure that even if she wasn't interested, she would still take it as a compliment. Then I deleted it. It is a hard lesson to learn and make a practice of, but it seems the only way to keep something you really like is to never, ever show any appreciation.

A statement of satisfaction is a kiss of death.

2010-04-30T00:32:00.002-05:00

I have an idea. I'm going to make a motivational/instructional film to help everyone with workplace survival. The title- How to Exercise Power You Don't Have

Example scenario- Your boss comes into your work area and starts to criticize your work ethic. You learn to interrupt him, show him how he's being counter-productive, and finish by forcefully ejecting him from your work area.

It'll be riddled with catch phrases to motivate, like "Put your balls where your mouth is, and you'll never have to use your hands" meaning that speaking confidently will help dominate and resolve situations without resorting to physical action.

God, I hope I don't get too lazy to do this!

A Summarized Conversation

2010-04-09T05:30:00.002-05:00

J- He would probably bail on her, were it not for a guilt complex, where I would blow up the world just to float in space alone with her.

V- Holy shit, I know exactly what you mean!

J (to himself)- Why you, and not her?

V (presumably to himself)- Why you, and not her?

2010-04-02T12:00:00.001-05:00

About to take a shower and go test drive (and hopefully buy) a 1972 Super Beetle!

Think good thoughts... Think good thoughts...

We Were Wolves at SxSW Schedule!

2010-03-16T20:52:00.001-05:00

For those who can make it-

March 18th at 9:00pm Club Primos for the Connect the DotsSXSW Party!!!!!
March 19th (time tba) at Creekside Lounge
March 20th at 2:30pm Trophy's (outside)
March 20th at 8:00pm Moose Lodge

And we have cds and new t-shirts!

Fuck a Title, I'll Use One When I Feel I Should

2010-03-03T11:59:00.004-06:00

The Invasion was pretty darn good, and different enough from the other two to make it worth a watch. As far as the hope of all humanity resting in a wee little dingleberry, eh, sorta. They did an okay job of that kinda being the case. I have a feeling Legion is going to be far more idiotic about it, but it looks like a cool action flick.

For an awesome experience in music, go here and listen to "My Ass" by Ger Men.

Enjoy.

2010-03-03T00:54:00.001-06:00

I never thought you were perfect, which is exactly how I knew you were perfect.

Social Disease Networking

2010-03-02T00:17:00.002-06:00

Imagine this...

A cold sore signs on to his Facebook account and learns that AIDS and The Common Cold are now friends. Out of jealousy, he bypasses the "Like" button. He then notices that Chlamydia and Scabies are now fans of Strep A. He likes to shred, so he becomes a fan. He then ignores a second friend request from Val T. Rex, and leaves his mark on someone's wall.

I don't know. I had an idea, lost it, and continued anyway. I'm here to ramble...

Invasion of the Tired Cliche

2010-03-01T23:09:00.003-06:00

So Netflix sent The Invasion, which is the third telling, or second expansion, depending on how you look at it, of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. The original, starring Kevin McCarthy, and the 197(8?) remake(?), starring Donald Sutherland are both great movies, but I've heard less than great reviews of this one. Kinda piqued my interest, as it tends to be the case that bad sci-fi (or syfy, as the idiot box so stupidly decided to spell it, because it decided a drop in its intelligence quotient would earn it some street cred. For an explanation, read some graffiti.) is the best sci-fi.

So I'm about to celebrate a lonely night at home with a cold by watching this movie, and I read the synopsis on the envelope. "...her son may be the planet's only hope for survival." God H. Dammit! (Thanks for that one, Brother John). Legion looked cool until the gun-wielding angel mention that a girl's unborn child was humanity's only hope for survival. John Conner in the Terminator series is okay, as is the baby in Children of Men, I don't know why yet, but that is not what I'm writing about anyway.

I just feel that the brakes should be thrown on movies where the future of humanity relies on one little brat, songs with the words "walking down the street", and religion and politics altogether. Instead, just let me enjoy the creepy monsters, sing about hot girls on escalators, and let the guys behind the curtains keep us blissfully ignorant so I can watch a movie with a new idea and listen to songs that inspire me to imagine something happening somewhere other than the street.

Here's a paragraph for those who want to see me get what I'm asking for. Not this paragraph, the one with the indention.

Greetings, readers! Today, I went to the movies, as did several of the people I see everywhere I go. What a coincidence! Not just that we were all at the movies, but they all happened to show up in the same make and model of car! Anyway, in this movie, the fate of humanity rested comfortably in the girthy arms of a sweet old lady who sang these songs with the lyrics- "I saw my baby strutting through the tundra" and "there I was, just maneuvering along the monkey bars, as I often do". It was great! Afterwards, I looked up at the sky, which was a beautiful blue with gentle wisps of cloudmatter. As the mild breeze caressed my face, I smiled, appreciated the moment for what it was, and felt no guilt whatsoever that I had made no sacrifice to feel such a pleasant feeling. Whoever runs this place sure does a great job! I'd sure be sore if someone took away my easy, happy way of life. To have a purpose just seems like so much work! I'm glad life isn't like the movies, except for the songs old ladies sing!

I actually tried to make that paragraph seem like life would wind up stupid and unenjoyable, but please, reader, take notice of all the exclamation marks. The sarcasm kinda melts away when I imagine life that way. I think I could enjoy life a lot more easily if I weren't constantly made aware of how shitty life can be, or is.

Anyway, Invasion of the Body Snatchers was fine as a paranoia flick, and even if this one is sucked all to Hell by some cliched mystical young butthole, I can always go enjoy the other two. Hopefully, in the future they'll find a new way to make us feel fucked with a 10 per cent chance of hope, which is how I feel about a future free of movies where the planet's only chance of survival is a child. Walking down the street. Campaigning for Jesus W. Obama.

Transparency

2010-02-28T02:38:00.002-06:00

I ran into a series of past and present crushes/loves tonight. Each was as beautiful and horrible as I could imagine. I am now more certain than ever that I am not supposed to have that brand of happiness, which sucks because I really want it.

Yeah

2010-02-27T02:15:00.000-06:00

I miss her.

Fuzzhugger (FX)

2010-02-25T01:41:00.002-06:00

Just wanted to share some love for Fuzzhugger (FX), run by Tom Dalton, who makes and sells damn fine effect pedals! Tom made my AlgRoar. I threw the idea his way, and he worked magic with it! Now he's working with me on another something special...

Vids soon, I hope!

Blast from the Past

2010-02-14T00:33:00.002-06:00

When things were good, just before they hit the highest point ever, then took a shit straight to Hell, I enjoyed The Velvet Underground and this.

Happy Valentine's Day

It All Makes Sense! Thank You, Bible!

2010-02-10T01:34:00.003-06:00

My Mama asked me "Do you know how the Bible begins?".

I say "In the beginning".

She says (and ah, fuck! I feel like I'm leaving something out) "In the beginning there was the Word, and the Word was 'God'. And that is what all creation came from, the word 'God". We were discussing the metaphysical importance of sound.

This is how it all makes sense-

In my mind, in an alternate existence, some guy was given yet another bit of information that made his miserable existence even more miserable, to which he said to himself in a desperate, somewhat whiny manner, as though he were pissing, moaning, and about to ask for some form of relief, be it death or a coma, or whatever- "God".

This seemingly harmless statement spawned a brand new existence, somewhere entirely separate from the Speaker's universe. Had his tone been more joyous, our universe would be far more harmonious, and things would only feel good, and we wouldn't be bogged with discontent about why we exist or what we need to do to be our perfect selves, as deemed by a higher power who hasn't the decency to equip us with the slightest hint of knowledge of our purpose, but no, the entire basis of all we are, all we know, and all we will ever experience, is a mildly vulgar groan.

No wonder we're all filled to the brim with negativity. No wonder we're blinded with frustration and stupidity.

So how many billions of universes have we created that we'll likely never be accounted for? Maybe that's why PMA is a good thing. Who wants the weight of multiple universes* subliminally crushing them?

*Since spellcheck didn't have a problem with the pluralization of the word "universe", I'm no longer convinced that there is only one of them. Being that the definition of the word doesn't really leave room for anything to exist outside the universe, including another universe, and two things, supposedly, can't occupy the same space at the same time, the Fabric of Reality has entirely unravelled, and the purest form of chaos has kept everything as we have always perceived it to be, which is why you didn't notice when the Goose Down Vest of Reality became Nothing. Basically, we don't exist, but no one noticed.

Learning to Scream

2010-02-10T00:18:00.002-06:00

Thanks, Poison Idea, for writing such a killer song.

Anyway, they say that patience is a virtue. That is one of those "other virtues" that Maximus can do without. I've always been the patient one, giving everyone else all the time in the world to find their comfort zone, but it's all lead me nowhere. All this patience has me living at my dad's house, single, broke, and working a shit job to validate my existence to who? My band mates? Girls? My folks? What does it say that I'm working my ass off, and squeezing in an hour or two every other day to be who I am? What does it say that when a woman is everything I ever hope to have, I'll drop everything to be with her only to have her dash into the arms of some fratboy butthole?

It kills me to be so calm and understanding, ready to stand on the sidelines while everyone else fingers their asses until they wake up and realize that they might only get one shot at life, and though there's no guarantee of success with every try, there is absolute guarantee of failure if you don't try.

I feel like I'm in many people's future, but goddammit, the future is never here, only the present, where I am miserably waiting for someone to catch up. Or at least try.

Acme Double-Edged Swords

2010-02-01T01:31:00.004-06:00

I understand corporations. I appreciate them in ways, and despise them in others. I work for a corporate company which touts itself as being run by artists. Hah!

Corporations brainwash like this- They bring you in to work at "competitive wages" and offer various discounts and "benefits". I guess minimum wage is competing with all other forms of payment, beating all the cockroaches you can eat, and being beaten by almost tolerably low wages. Discounts are often nice, if you can find anything you want and can afford, which is often, in the Vinn diagram, found etched into one of the few fibers that connect the two circles, merely by coincidence. Then the discounts are often not worth the hassle of filing a 1040 Pain in the Ass edition, which can only be approved by a higher up whose plate is overflowing with menial rhetoric as it is. So why not just spend the full amount at the nice Mom and Pop? Benefits are the big one. Okay, I dig vision insurance. I've been wearing the same pair of 30 day contacts for around 4 years now. But you have to have medical insurance. I had medical insurance once. Got hooked on anxiety medication and nearly killed someone when I missed a dose. Found out that clinical anxiety is actually a side effect of being a human, especially one who is following a path in life toward something for which said human has never had, and will never have, any passion nor interest at all.

They also give you responsibility and rank (more work and a placebo-fashioned ego boost) which make your job seem more valuable, but some of us eventually realize that 90 per cent of our waking hours are spent existing as a convenience who can quickly become an annoyance if we aren't efficient enough.

So yeah, I'm seriously quitting my job.

Gonna Live!

2010-01-31T22:42:00.002-06:00

I think I'm actually about to quit the employment game. I have a couple of active music projects now, both of which need much attention. Also, I need to go to NYC for awhile. I have a few financial goals to reach, then I'll be very much free to fix my life, as in make it something I want to be a part of.

Only I can make myself happy, so I'm gonna do that by being me as much as I can.

Maybe the 30 year mark is playing a part in all this. Who cares? I'm doing it!

30

2010-01-26T02:38:00.001-06:00

Whoopty shit.

Goddammit, Organization!

2010-01-15T20:42:00.003-06:00

Now that my pedalboard is all set up and put together all nice, I can't find my old 9 volt, center-negative adapter, so I can't fuck around with the AlgRoar! Not at home anyway, and I've got laundry going...

Losing My Shit

2010-01-14T20:17:00.002-06:00

My face is burning. I've been fighting off the urge to blow up all day. Two and a half years I've felt completely awful, save for a few exceptional blinks. Why can't I find any peace? Why does everyone keep insisting I choose to feel this way?

Everything people tell me is virtuous about me makes me hate myself. I am about ready to join the uncaring medicated masses.

This is my problem. Apparently, no one can fix it but me. If that's true, I don't know how.

I May Be a Bastard...

2010-01-14T01:43:00.003-06:00

...But I'm not a fuckin' bastard. To finish the quote properly. But really, maybe I am a fuckin' bastard. Who gives a shit?

She got upset when she decided to read my blog. She talked to me about it, I still don't understand why, but I made her the offer that I'd never make an allusion to her again. Turns out my offer holds as much water as hers does.

I don't wish any harm on her. I don't hate her, and I don't want anyone else to either. This is the only venue where I feel okay talking about the big deal shit in my life and how it affects me. This is where I vent. I'm sure it's far harder for me to bottle everything up than it is for her to not take the time to navigate to this page and read up on the thoughts of a guy that isn't worth her time.

Reader, I don't give a shit if you think I'm sick or pathetic, obsessive, a true romantic, retarded, whatever. This is the end of my every day. This is what I go to bed with every night. This is running through my brain every minute of every day, so if the few minutes it takes for you to inform or entertain yourself makes you uncomfortable, good. If it makes you unhappy with who I am, then fist yourself in the ass, up to the shoulder. When you choke on your knuckles, it won't make a goddamned shit to me. I already have enough on my mind.

Anyway, she ain't coming back. She doesn't give a shit about me. The only reason she even read anything was to find out what someone else in the world thought about her. Hopefully that isn't true, but as I've said before, about having hope of being with her again- Hope is the ladder we climb, only to make the fall that much more painful. So fuck it. My hatred for life is a direct result of the irresponsibility we both had with my heart. I can't lay all the blame on her for that. But if she feels bad about what I write and won't do anything to fix it, then she can have her fucking fratboy status booster and piss herself with discontent until they both drown in discontented piss. She made her choice and left me with none.

Jay Reatard died, and Greggy Boosh was the first to introduce me to his music. It's Greggy Boosh's birthday. Sorry Greg. Happy birthday anyway.

And for good measure- the word "cunt".

Who's the girl who has it all?

2010-01-14T01:18:00.001-06:00

The one with a guy who doesn't deserve her and a guy who would live or die for her that she doesn't have to talk to.

Congratulations.

Finished!

2010-01-10T11:31:00.002-06:00

And shipping out Monday!

One Step Closer!

2010-01-06T23:13:00.002-06:00

A few minor changes, including putting in the footswitches (plural!) and LEDs (also plural!), and I got me a new custom built fuzz pedal! Thanks to Emily Williams for the art and Tom Dalton at Fuzzhugger (fx) for building the damn thing!

No Good Can Come Of Some Things

2010-01-05T23:12:00.002-06:00

Apparently Little Wayne had a shitty turn out tonight. I don't like him at all, despite some people's efforts to impress me. Okay, maybe one or two of his several hundred tracks were ok. The point is, I'm ashamed of people's laziness. As many people talk about how much they love his music, you'd think the show would be packed.

I went in to work 45 minutes early today to spend some quality time with The Missus, but I was blocked by all the freight that had come in earlier. Dang.

It's gonna freeze. Hard. No snow. Shit.

I am in one of those states where I'd like to punch myself in the mouth until I broke teeth and my face was a pulpy, bloody, unrecognizable blob. It all started with trusting someone, so I can't say I recommend it.

The One Thing I Want The Most

2010-01-03T22:30:00.002-06:00

Yeah, I was talking about a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

I Feel Hated

2010-01-02T22:44:00.002-06:00

I feel hated by the universe. I've been conditioned my whole life to want to do the right thing and be a good person. I've always tried to be honest and act only when my heart tells me to. I've avoided doing harm to anyone or anything as much as I can.

Every time I try to enjoy myself, the world throws it in my face in intense ways, that I cannot have the one thing in the world I want the most. Every thought is connected.

I would rather die than think anymore.

Been Sick All Day

2010-01-02T18:52:00.002-06:00

I remember rolling over 2 or 3 times today. The rest of the time, I was dreaming of grim landscapes, made out of dried up flesh and body parts. There were beat poets in freight trailers, telling me that we were headed for a war of the mind, but anything was going to be better than what we knew before. There were beings called "Hurled Shushy", which were basically old dead bodies, thrown at you as a gift from the world around you.

One of the most dreadful part was that after the apocalypse that led to all this, the spirits of the innocent became the new race, and their initial goal was to make sacrifices of all the intellects, as they were evil and had evil powers.

There was also a cavern made of damaged plastic, which formed hideous faces. The concept of the cavern was that it was irreparable and symbolized pure despair.

There was much more to it all, but I'd have to bring up real world things I don't wanna write about.

Well...

2010-01-01T23:23:00.002-06:00

The day turned out okay enough. I'm used to people coming into the shop and obnoxiously playing their best riffs at a high volume, and no matter how good they are, it gets old really quick. Today, there was one guy playing Chet Atkins songs at a reasonable volume. It was so nice, I told hum that he was the first customer ever to be invited to turn up the volume and play all day. My work day ended with a guy from a church utilizing his tax exemption, but being completely mild mannered and cooperative when asked to fill out the required paperwork. Nice day...

Oh yeah, best of all, I spent half of my lunch break with the missus! Still working on paying her bail...

New Year's Post

2010-01-01T01:15:00.002-06:00

Today was beautiful, with the cool breeze and sunny skies. I put a new guitar on layaway, a Les Paul Vintage Pro. Then, I spent the turn of the year with friends. A great way to end the year.

It's 1:17 am, New Year's Day, 2010. I have work in a few hours, my cat is sick, I have a blind spot in the center of my field of vision, similar to that of a migraine, but it's been there for several days, and worst of all, well, if you know me well at all, I don't have to say it. For those who might not know me that well, think of every couple you saw kissing at midnight, and whatever feeling comes to mind, take its intensity and apply it to gut-twisting negativity.

The good news- my year can only get better.

In a Minute, In a Minute, In a Minute, Arf Arf Arf...

2009-12-30T21:07:00.002-06:00

So, a possible huge opportunity has been presented through the electronic efforts of my brother John and his lovely lady Jill. I'll say no more until I hear more. Gotta keep you a little in the dark!

Just sent a draft of the artwork for my custom fuzz pedal to Tom at Fuzzhugger (fx), and I can't bloody wait until this project is completely fruited!

Off to the jam room for unprotected rock with multiple partners!

Boggle

2009-12-29T00:14:00.002-06:00

I feel like my life has been shaken like a Boggle game, and I'm finding many of the words I spelled out in a previous round. It's like I've been through all this before, just seen from a different angle, in a different order. I'm picturing my motion through life as a straight line, continuing forward through checkpoints of different colors and shapes. The checkpoints' colors and shapes are varied, but in a finite way (like a square, a hexagon, a circle, and a triangle, available in blue, red, green, and yellow). As my life progresses, the shapes occur on the path in a seemingly random way, swapping out colors and positions as well as distances between checkpoints. I think my problem is that I want the shapes to either add up to form a complex and beautiful structure, or maybe instead of a blue hexagon, maybe I can get a panda or a monkey wrench or something significant. Or to go back to the Boggle reference, I feel like the letters should start falling into order and, just by chance, tell me a wonderful story. What power do I have to make these things happen? What is my impact on my existence? Is now just a time to float? Is every checkpoint a call to action?

"What do I do?" I ask myself with a genuine desire for response.

"Do something." I respond, in that frustrating, however correct manner that satisfies and taunts at the same time.

I once told my Mama I'd found God. In those times when you're alone and you ask a question, then immediately respond to it, that's God talking. It's your voice telling you the simple and obvious answer, but it's not entirely you, because had you known the answer, why would you ask the question? Or maybe we (or I) just need to actually hear the question and answer out loud so we can really decide whether or not it all makes sense. Sense brings comfort.

I almost want to see how far I can take a tangent like this, but seconds after hitting the publish button, I'll forget these thoughts. I can't see your reactions anyway.

I'm done for now.

AlgRoar

2009-12-28T02:18:00.003-06:00

Emily showed me an idea for my custom pedal I'm having built by Tom Dalton of Fuzzhugger FX. Here it 'tis! I'm super stoked!!!

Deconstruct, Reconstruct

2009-12-27T01:03:00.002-06:00

I feel awake in a new way. It's kinda like I'm still all jaded, but with a pair of balls and a lack of give a shit. I think I'm becoming who I'll always be, which is who I was several years ago. Hopefully this time it'll stick.

Listened to "Marble Tulip Juicy Tree" by Ween on the way home tonight, and it felt like I was doing something right for once. The swelling reverse delay had the effect it used to have when I'd listen to it on acid.

For the first time in way too long, I want to experience and enjoy things.

Christmas

2009-12-25T13:20:00.001-06:00

Fuck Christmas.